WOODROW H. SLIM:
Good evening and welcome to FYMF News.
Tonight's exclusive interview examines one of the most mysterious disappearances in North American history.
In 1977, Willie Jenkins vanished from Canada, was declared legally dead, and resurfaced years later living under a different identity in America.
For decades people asked:
"Why did he leave?"
Tonight we finally have an answer.
Willie Jenkins, welcome to FYMF News.
⸻
WILLIE JENKINS:
Glad to be here, Woodrow.
⸻
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Willie, for years people believed you disappeared because of financial problems.
Others believed it was personal issues.
Some thought it was a midlife crisis.
What was the real reason?
⸻
WILLIE JENKINS:
Woodrow...
I left because my wife could clear a room without saying a word.
⸻
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Excuse me?
⸻
WILLIE JENKINS:
You heard me.
I didn't disappear from Canada.
I was evacuated.
⸻
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Lord have mercy.
⸻
WILLIE JENKINS:
People keep asking why I changed my identity.
You try living with biological weather events every evening.
⸻
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Willie...
are you seriously telling America that you abandoned your entire life because of your wife's gas?
⸻
WILLIE JENKINS:
I'm telling America I survived conditions the Geneva Convention hasn't even addressed yet.
⸻
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Good God Almighty.
⸻
WILLIE JENKINS:
One night I heard a noise that sounded like somebody starting a lawnmower indoors.
I knew right then my future was changing.
⸻
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Not the lawnmower.
⸻
WILLIE JENKINS:
The next thing I know I'm standing outside questioning every decision I've ever made.
⸻
WOODROW H. SLIM:
So that's when you decided to disappear?
⸻
WILLIE JENKINS:
Not immediately.
I stayed.
I fought.
I believed in marriage.
But every man has a breaking point.
⸻
WOODROW H. SLIM:
And yours arrived when?
⸻
WILLIE JENKINS:
When I realized opening a window wasn't helping.
At that point I knew this was bigger than me.
⸻
WOODROW H. SLIM:
So your solution was to fake your death?
⸻
WILLIE JENKINS:
I prefer the term "strategic relocation."
⸻
WOODROW H. SLIM:
You crossed an international border!
⸻
WILLIE JENKINS:
Fresh air was on the other side.
⸻
WOODROW H. SLIM:
The woman spent years wondering where you went.
⸻
WILLIE JENKINS:
I spent years wondering where the smell came from.
We both had unanswered questions.
⸻
WOODROW H. SLIM:
This might be the most ridiculous explanation ever given on FYMF News.
⸻
WILLIE JENKINS:
Woodrow, people leave relationships for money.
People leave for arguments.
People leave for infidelity.
I left for respiratory reasons.
⸻
WOODROW H. SLIM:
I cannot believe this interview is real.
⸻
WILLIE JENKINS:
The FBI couldn't find me.
But apparently neither could air freshener.
⸻
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Final question.
If your ex-wife is watching tonight, what would you like to say?
⸻
WILLIE JENKINS:
Deb, I wish you peace, happiness, and a lifetime supply of ventilation.
No hard feelings.
Just hard breathing.
⸻
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Ladies and gentlemen, Willie Jenkins.
The only man in history to enter witness protection from household odors.
I'm Woodrow H. Slim for FYMF News.
Mind Your MF Business...
And goodnight.
END
No comments:
Post a Comment