WOODROW H. SLIM:
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is Woodrow H. Slim reporting live for FYMF News, where the stories are wild, the facts are questionable, and the citizens are still trying to mind their MF business. Tonight’s guest has officially become one of the most talked-about men in Wisconsin. Please welcome Mr. Michael Smith.
MICHAEL SMITH:
Appreciate you having me, Woodrow. I just want people to know there’s always two sides to every story.
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Now Michael... before we even get started... America wants answers. Reports say you were allegedly doing naked push-ups in public before stealing an ambulance with a patient still inside. Is that accurate?
MICHAEL SMITH:
First of all, I wasn’t stealing an ambulance. I was borrowing emergency transportation during a personal crisis.
WOODROW H. SLIM:
A personal crisis?
MICHAEL SMITH:
Yes sir. My spirit was moving faster than society was prepared for.
WOODROW H. SLIM:
The report says paramedics found you with “plenty of energy left over from your naked public workout.” Were the push-ups part of a training program?
MICHAEL SMITH:
Absolutely. Physical fitness is important. You never know when life gonna require upper body strength.
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Most people use Planet Fitness. You chose Highway 73.
MICHAEL SMITH:
The earth is my gym, Woodrow.
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Authorities say you entered the ambulance while paramedics were treating a patient. Then you allegedly drove 18 miles through Wisconsin Rapids and Pittsville while completely naked.
MICHAEL SMITH:
People keep focusing on the naked part. Nobody talks about my driving skills under pressure.
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Sir... there was a patient in the back.
MICHAEL SMITH:
And did anything happen to the patient?
WOODROW H. SLIM:
According to reports, no.
MICHAEL SMITH:
Exactly. Safe transportation.
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Police deployed stop sticks, drones, and multiple law enforcement agencies to stop you. Reports also say the drone confirmed you were STILL naked after crashing in a field.
MICHAEL SMITH:
Technology today is incredible.
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Michael... WHY were you naked the entire time?
MICHAEL SMITH:
Woodrow, sometimes society puts too many restrictions on people. Clothes can be limiting during moments of high spiritual activity.
WOODROW H. SLIM:
I don’t think that explanation helped you legally.
MICHAEL SMITH:
Probably not.
WOODROW H. SLIM:
The internet is calling this “The Fast & The Furiously Unclothed.” Any message to the people of Wisconsin tonight?
MICHAEL SMITH:
Yes. Stay healthy. Stretch properly. And if you see an ambulance... maybe don’t make emotional decisions.
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Fair advice. Final question: looking back on this situation, would you do anything differently?
MICHAEL SMITH:
I probably would’ve put on some shorts.
WOODROW H. SLIM:
Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. Michael Smith speaking publicly for the first time following one of the strangest police chases in Wisconsin history. This is Woodrow H. Slim reporting for FYMF News reminding citizens everywhere to stay safe, stay focused, and for the love of humanity... keep your clothes on during felony activities.
END OF INTERVIEW
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