FYMF News Exclusive Interview
Hosted by Woodrow H. Slim
Special Guest: Melissa Fairchild
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WOODROW H. SLIM:
Good evening and welcome to FYMF News, the only news program brave enough to ask the questions nobody else wants answered.
Tonight's exclusive comes out of Easley, South Carolina, where a relationship disagreement reportedly escalated into what authorities are now calling "Major League Domestic Turbulence."
Our guest tonight is Melissa Fairchild, a woman accused of turning a batting cage into what she describes as "an intensive trust-building exercise."
Melissa, welcome to FYMF News.
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MELISSA FAIRCHILD:
Thank you, Woodrow. First of all, I'd like to say I am not a violent person.
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WOODROW H. SLIM:
Melissa, police say you locked your boyfriend inside a batting cage and fed nearly fifty dollars worth of baseballs into a pitching machine.
Most people buy flowers after an argument.
You apparently purchased velocity.
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MELISSA FAIRCHILD:
Well, Woodrow, flowers don't teach accountability.
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WOODROW H. SLIM:
The police report says you discovered Cash App transactions labeled "🍑 Lunch" and another one saying "Definitely Not Melissa."
At what point did you decide this relationship required sporting equipment?
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MELISSA FAIRCHILD:
The second I saw "Definitely Not Melissa."
See, that's not even cheating anymore.
That's disrespect with punctuation.
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WOODROW H. SLIM:
Witnesses claim you told him:
"You think honesty is hard? Try 82 miles per hour."
Did you say that?
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MELISSA FAIRCHILD:
I may have.
I was speaking from the heart.
And from the fast-pitch lane.
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WOODROW H. SLIM:
Employees say you started calmly feeding tokens into the machine like a woman ordering lunch.
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MELISSA FAIRCHILD:
Exactly.
I was calm.
People keep focusing on the baseballs and ignoring the lies.
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WOODROW H. SLIM:
According to witnesses, you shouted:
"YOU GON LEARN ABOUT LOYALTY TODAY!"
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MELISSA FAIRCHILD:
Correct.
Education is important.
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WOODROW H. SLIM:
You also allegedly yelled:
"THAT ONE WAS FOR THE GIRL NAMED KAYLA!"
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MELISSA FAIRCHILD:
Well somebody had to tell Kayla hello.
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WOODROW H. SLIM:
Melissa, at some point you upgraded the machine from Beginner Mode to College Prospect Mode.
Even the machine reportedly hesitated.
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MELISSA FAIRCHILD:
Look, if he had enough energy to text women at two in the morning, I figured he had enough energy to improve his hand-eye coordination.
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WOODROW H. SLIM:
Witnesses say your boyfriend was dodging baseballs wearing skinny jeans and Timberlands.
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MELISSA FAIRCHILD:
That's not my fault.
Nobody told him to dress like he was headed to a music video instead of a conversation.
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WOODROW H. SLIM:
One parent reportedly thought the entire situation was a travel-ball tryout.
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MELISSA FAIRCHILD:
To be fair, his reflexes improved dramatically.
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WOODROW H. SLIM:
Authorities say the machine finally overheated and started smoking.
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MELISSA FAIRCHILD:
That's because it was carrying the entire relationship.
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WOODROW H. SLIM:
Police also recovered a half-empty margarita, three vape cartridges, a notebook labeled Men Ain't Worth It, and a Bluetooth speaker playing Keyshia Cole.
That sounds less like evidence and more like a starter kit.
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MELISSA FAIRCHILD:
Woodrow, every item had a purpose.
The margarita was emotional support.
The notebook was research.
And Keyshia Cole was handling quality control.
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WOODROW H. SLIM:
When officers questioned you, you reportedly described the entire incident as "interactive couples therapy."
Still standing by that statement?
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MELISSA FAIRCHILD:
Absolutely.
Did he learn anything?
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WOODROW H. SLIM:
According to medical reports, he suffered minor bruising, emotional damage, and trust issues extending into 2028.
So yes.
He probably learned something.
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MELISSA FAIRCHILD:
Then my work here is done.
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WOODROW H. SLIM:
Melissa Fairchild, everybody.
A woman who looked at traditional counseling, communication, and conflict resolution...
...and chose batting practice.
For FYMF News, I'm Woodrow H. Slim reminding you:
If your Cash App transactions require an explanation longer than the transaction itself, you may already be in the danger zone.
Good night, and mind your MF business.
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